


i just need to post this somewhere

by Anonymous



Category: Original Work
Genre: Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:53:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29038173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: this is not fanfiction. I just need to get my thoughts out and let it out into the world. I talk about depression suicidal thoughts bullying and feeling alone. ive been struggling with my adhd anxiety and possible depression recently. i think it will be therapeutic for this to be posted somewhere
Collections: Anonymous





	i just need to post this somewhere

**Author's Note:**

> This is just my pure unfiltered thoughts. I talk about struggles with adhd and my mental health. I didn't care to correct my spelling or grammar but I might fix it if I remember this tomorrow. I wrote this because i thought it might help me mentally and it slightly has.

I remember the first time i took medication i dont rember much of my childhood i even googled to see if that was should someone in there twenties not even rember when they where 11 or 12. I think i have depression  
I know i have adhd  
I know i have anxiety  
i know that i used to have sucidal thoughts  
i remeber that i started having those thoughts during 4th and 5th grade becuase of bullying  
i dont remeber the actually bullying  
i do remeber being put into a room with all the girls and asked by a counselor what the boys say to us  
i rember being excited about that becuase i could say cuss words  
if i think about it i probably shouldnt have been happy about it  
i dont remeber what was said but i do rember that most of the other girls besides me and my friend didnt really say anything. because they didnt realize  
i had my first boyfriend that year  
he was friends with the bullies but he was nice  
most of his friends were nice  
he was a drummer  
his mom told my mom that he stayed in the same year even tho he couldve moved up a grade for me he gave me my first and only real valentines it was a giant heart with candy i havent recived any since. this was fourth grade he moved the next year  
i also rember being suspened for no reason that year. i only rember it in flashes, i know i was slapped and called a lesbian. my best friend was also called this and slapped him back and called him gay. i dont know why he called me that i was dating a guy. the guy i was dating actually got the teachers. i kinda find that funny now.  
i rember sitting in the office and my friend and the guy were crying i wasnt. i do remeber crying into my dog .  
i think im having an adhd episode that our a depressive one. i think its been going on for two months. im failing uni at the moment. i had good grades last semester and now i cant turn anything in or do anything. i wrote an essay draft but havent touched it. i dont know why i cant do anything i feel useless  
i think those thoughts are coming back not as bad as before but still bad. i rember when i was in fith grade and told myself to wait until i was 18 if things werent better then well. im 20 now.  
the first time i took medications i took it with apple sauce and i was sitting in my mums car of the hospital parking lot i think i was 5. im now taking i think about 8 pills althoug two of them are vitamins so .  
i havent been to thearpy since middle school.  
i went for anexity i never and have never told anyone that i once tried to cut myself witha bobby pin after taking off that procter of the sharp edge. i never did it again but i kept a bag of razor blades and bandaids in my underwear drawer until i was 16. i rember discovering i was bisexual although at first i said i was pansexual. i think i said i was pan becuase i wanted to accept any love i could and that was my way of saying it to the world. i think i started saying i was bi because it felt better i dont know why. i just know it does. i was playing spin the bottle at a friends sleepover. it was finally my turn. i rember being oddly excited. i spun and it landed on a girl although it was an all girls party. i rember being sad because when i pulled back she said my lips were dry. i wanted to keep kissing. i liked it. i didnt think anything of it. it never landed on me and it didnt spin again. that has been my first and only kiss. i never told anyone  
i told my mom sexuallity after she kept accuseing me of being a lesbian becuase i didnt have a boyfriend and wouldnt tell her my crushes. i shouted out no im not but i am pan. i dont rember what happened next. i told my brother myself few years later somewhere late middle school i think. we got ice cream after. i didnt tell my dayd until i was about 17. i think i was scared he would hate me. he didnt have a reaction. apparently my mom told him and she had a hard time accepting it. he didnt. i finally talked about after making a joke about how my socks had the big colours on them. that was last year. i dont know why but i told her there was a chance i could still end up with a guy so dont be sad.  
i think i just didnt want me mom to hate me. i talk with my brother about know about girls. im crying thinking about how it took me almost a decade to talk about a crush with someone. 

i tried hard  
i asked a boy out in 7th grade. we went on a movie date with friends. i held his hand. he broke up with me at the end of the month. i think he only said yes to be nice. i rember that i used to hate talking behind people back. ithink it had to do with people doing it to me. if i didnt like you i wouldnt try and push fake friendship. i remeber calling people acquaintances because i thought i didnt have friends. i had one that i called a friend and thats it.  
i remeber first moving to a new country at the start of fourth grade. i invited all the girls to my birthday party. only one showed. i havent had a party since. i would like to have one but i have no friends. ive moved several times in my life. 

why didnt anyone ever want to be with me. i just want someone to hold me and tell me they like me. is it my personilty. is it becuase i dont have a brain that works like others. i was told once that i was being to loud or why are you doing that have you taken your meds today are you sure hey can you tone it it down why cant you understand youll never achieve anything in your life. why cant i just think right  
i just want to be like everyone else  
why can everyone else remeber things  
why dont i rember most things. i looked into it google says it might be trauma but i know nothing happened. is it an adhd thing.

im failing my classses becuase i cant sit down and do my assignments.  
why does the learning style have to change now that were online  
i worked hard to get out of learning progroms i didnt want to be treated differntly i wanted to stay in class. i did want to go to speeach threapy i didnt want o miss gym becuase i had to go to special ed. i got my self out of it at the end of third grade and maybe i shouldnt have. im glade that i went to a small school in europe becuase of my dads job i remeber those military schools the put you in on base. i think i wouldnt have done anything with my life. im glad for the few years where i didnt have to take test. the last year i had to do huge exams that my whole grades depened on. i got terriable acne all over my neck and face and had a mental break down. im glad that i was the onyl one in the dorm house at the time. i failed my favorite class. i still hate myself for it. 

i rember why my mom took me to thearpy the second time. she conviced me to get into the car to go do something. i think i was depressed during those years before my move to europe. i wouldnt leave me room i was on a tropical island and had a vitamin d defficancy. 

i didnt go to thearpy becuase of this though. i went becuase while in the car my mom told me we were actually going to the groccery store. i opened the car door to get out. the car was still moving. i had severe social anexity. i still have anaixty. but i wont jump out og a moving car when told im going somewhere with lots of people.

i do remeber when going to the thearpist iwas put in a room and asked some question while my mom wasnt there stuff like if i smoked or was sexually active. the asked me if i like girls or boys. i said both and that filled me with so much joy. i think i said this before i told my mom. i know i told people at school before i told my family.

theres a lot of things ive always wanted to tell someone.  
i always wanted to tell someone of the things i did without someone telling me im talking to much. i think i just want someone to be close to.

im lonely

i havent had a real friend since 8th grade.

my best friend moved away and even then we were never super close.

thinking back on it i dont really rember if i was her best friend.

why have i never had someone to talk to. someone that will let me talk and wont say im to loud.  
i grew real quiet during 10th to 12th grade. i just moved again. during that time i only had in school friends. i tried. trust me i did. or maybe i didnt. maybe i shouldve tried harder. i mean i did stay after school to have coffee with you guys. why didnt i ever get to come to your guys house. why was i always left out. why.  
i didnt do anything. maybe is shouldve been loud but i was scared that it would happen again. 

why cant i be normal  
i thought writing my thoughts and stuff that happened would make me feel better. maybe i should post this somewhere. getting it out into the world might do something.

why cant i do anything right. why can i sit at a desk and do my assignments. why im i writing this instead. why cant i do something. why does my brain not sit still. why can i only pay attention to things that dont matter.  
i never went to homecoming. i went to a halloween party because my friend asked, it was for her little siblings. i think i had a crush on her looking back. she told me things about her life. why didnt i tell her things about mine. she moved away the next month. i have never been to a homecoming i only went to one middle school dance and left halfway through becuase i didnt feel like anyone wanted me to be there. in my 11th year my friend who went to an american military school about 2 hours away asked me to prom. i'm not sure if it was becuase my mom asked her mom or what. we hang out once or twice. and no i know she didnt like me romantically she had a boyfriend who couldnt attend. i meet up with people back from where i last lived. and some new people. at the end of the night the asked if i wanted to go hang out in town with them. i shouldve said yes. i said no because i was staying at a hotel with my parents that night. i shouldve said yes.  
i shouldve also said yes to go to that graudation party. why did i say no. why. it wasnt like i didnt want to be around that kind of environment. i always wanted to go to a party. why did i say no. my mom even offered to sleep in the car and wait for me. why did i say no. 

why did the only time i hung out with people did i get drunk off my ass. why couldnt i stay sober that one time. it wasnt like it was illeagal. maybe thats why i wasnt invited to parties. i rember on a science trip everyone was drinking. i wanted to have a beer. maybe you shouldnt drink. i think youve had a enough. i think the last senetence hurt the most. i was completly sober. it was the first time those people saw me off medication. as it was several nights and obviouslayy meds dont last as long as you want. i went up to where i was sleeping and cried. i was sober. why did you think i was drunk when my meds wore off. i called my brother. i listened to him play video games 5 hours away from me whil i cried in an empty room.  
i just wanted to be normal

when i moved back to america after 10 years away i thought i would have one friend. my childhood best friend. i remeber playing in her house when i was little. i invited her to go to a concert with me and paid for her ticket. i told her 5 monthes in advance. we went to the concert it was punk rock one it was fun i wanted to see the band for litteraly years. she made me leave halfway through. i couldnt drive. she drove there. it was an hour from my house. the car park was closed because it was late. we called the number and i culdnt rember what the person was telling me. my friend got mad. i rember having to walk to the other car park to get a key for the garage. she told me something about how i didnt express my self well enough. i told her i express myself differntly and apoligse in other ways we havent seen each other in 10 years we have changed. she yelled at me more. i cant remeber what she said. i paid for gas and my card got hacked or whatever you call it. she wouldnt stop being angry at me. i was mad that she made me leave the concert that ive waited years to see and told her that perviousllay. 

i had a panic attack in her car. she didnt notice. i texted my brother if i could call him. i knew he was in a middle of a video game with friends. i listend to him talk with firends trying to latch on to anything. i havent spoken to her since. i blocked out most of what she said.  
i hate panic attacks.

appaerntly adhd can cause mood swings. i think that why i broke down crying over a simple thing when i was on that science trip.

i think it might be why i get so angry sometimes.

im going to see a thearpist about the moodswings. or at least thats what i want. my mom wants me to see a thearpist so i can be better orgiansed when at uni. it wont be anthour few months until their open agian.

why does adhd always get painted as just being energitic and bad at school.

i lose everything. i forget wheer i put certain things all the time. i broke down after i couldnt find a shirt i got from the concert. ive lost my id and school work before. ive lost childhood mementos. most of this stuff i still cant find. i cant remeber anyones name. my mom was hesitant about putting me on meds but i she went through with it because i couldnt rember something someone told me 5 minutes earlier. i still cant sometimes. i feel bad for my mom and dad. i try and remeber the things the tell me to to do but it slips away. 

i just want a normal brain.  
are there things like brain transplants that can get rid of my disorders?  
why do i still want my life to end.

i dont actually want to kill myself. i just want to disappear. why do i have to have a job i hate or go to collage where i cant remeber anything the teach me. 

can i just move to a farm and just hangout with animals.  
animals dont tell you that you should stop being you

i just want everything to stop hurting. i just want to pass my classes. why cant i sit down a focus. why whyw why why. i just

why do i cry myself to sleep some nights?

why do i just sit in bed all day and do nothing. why would i rather stare at a wall then do anything. 

i think im in an adhd episode and hopefully it will end soon. i dont want drop out of school.

i thought writing some of my thoughts might help in any way. ive stopped crying. this lofi playlist is really good. i think i might try and do something tommorrow. maybe i should ask my professors if i can makeup for all the assignments i didnt do.

i just want to be happy. i dont remeber the last time i was happy for more the an hour. 

i hope i become normal.

i might write again it seem to have done something at least.


End file.
